Master Hand's Answering Machine!
by The Cosmic Penguin
Summary: Well, I think the title says it all, don't you? Rated T for mild swearing, mainly by a lazy Jirachi.
1. The First Answering Machine

A/N: It appears that I have gotten together an idea that is actually somewhat decent. Despite it not being written in an overly-narrated view, I think it well reflects the -positive- change in my writing. This might take on the title of being my best-written piece, but I don't want to diss Morals Modernized even though it's supposed to be written kinda badly (but I'm cracking down on that some, too). But whatever. Here's a present for my one-year mark on this site. JAAD fans, I finally got this thing done like I promised in return for deleting your story.

**Disclaimer**: Do you think I own any of the franchises in SSB, or SSB itself? No! The only people who think that are people that the companies hire to make examples out of people who forget Disclaimers so that no one messes with their copyrights!

* * *

3:00 PM, Smasher Standard Time

_Welcome_ Master Hand_. You have_ thirty-five _unplayed messages. Playing message one:_

(beep)

Um, hello, this is the Game International Postal Service. A large package for your address arrived yesterday. We'll hold it for seven days before it is removed from our warehouse. Thank you for supporting our services.

(beep)

It's Pikachu. I'm in town and I'm lost. Could you please send someone to rescue me? I'll be waiting at Skal-mart; have the front desk page me. Thanks.

(beep)

It's Toon Link. What's hanging from the ceiling in the main hall?

(beep)

Mewtwo calling. Is there any chance you might reconsider me being a smasher? I feel the need to seriously beat some smasher ass.

(beep)

It's Peach with the daily grocery list! I really hate this job…do you need anything?

(beep)

It's Ness. I know we have a lot to take care of already, but…why couldn't we have another pet in the mansion?

(beep)

Yo, MH! You wanna play some poker? We're down in the lounge!

(beep)

There's turtles on sale at the pet store; we could get one of those…

(beep)

And—and they're giving away a monkey from the same place! Could we have him? Please? He needs a good home!

(beep)

Please make DDD stop whining about his 'D-D-Delicious cereal'. He's annoying and he sounds like a baby.

(beep)

It's Samus. Have you seen Snake?

(beep)

IT'S DDD AND I'M FRESH OUT OF MY CEREAL! I NEED MOOOOOORE!

(beep)

Snake here. What are today's brawl schedules? They might need to be _adjusted_ a little…

(beep)

Hi Wario! It's mom! How are you doing today?

(beep)

Master Hand, this is the phone company. Your bills are five days late.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is AAPCO power company. Your bills were due five days ago. Pay up or we turn your lights out for good.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is the water company. You're eight days behind in your payments.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is the internet company. We have successfully received your payment.

(beep)

To our valued customer: This is Skal-Mart. Check out our website for the deals of the week!

(beep)

It's Nana! Did you hear the latest remix from 'NightcoreToday'?

(beep)

THREE! TWO! ONE! PENGUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

(beep)

This is Lucario and I need a vacation.

(beep)

It's Zelda. Where did the couch in the lounge go…?

(beep)

Hey, Master Hand, it's Toon Link again. Isn't computerized spider solitaire awesome?

(beep)

Do the butt scootch boogiiiiie!

(beep)

It's Popo…I think someone turned the furnace on…AND I'M BAKING!

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Jigglypuff. You wouldn't happen to have some cash on you, would you? About $200? Noctowl City is going to be playing live at the main arena and I might need a bribe to get in…

(beep)

Erm, Master Hand? It's Bowser…Why did you have me move the couch in front of Wario's room?

(beep)

Zelda calling. We girls are thinking of outsourcing the cooking to other sources. Have you heard of Entei? He sounds like a pretty good cook, despite being a giant, fire-breathing lion.

(beep)

Welcome to Cupiddotcom! We have a large network of single losers!

(beep)

This is the International Sock Monkey Preservation Museum. We would love to thank you for your generous donations!

(beep)

Haha, DDD! This is message number 95! I told you I had time to spa—oh, wait, it's Master Hand? I have to go; I'm really busy all of a sudden.

(beep)

Master Hand, Yoshi ate all the fruit!

(beep)

Who ya gonna call?! Luigi! And before you protest, how else are you going to get that infestation of ghosts out of the attic? I have a very reasonable service charge…

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Ness…you know the monkey from the pet store? The one that always stars in commercials? Well…he might be a guest here for a while…don't worry, he'll be fine; it's part of a pet foster home program. I'll take good care of him, I swear!

(beep)

It's Pikachu. You did send someone after me…right?

_End of message_ thirty-six. _End of messages. Press 1 if you want to save these messages. Press 2 to delete single messages. Press 3 to delete all messages. Press 4 to—_

_Messages deleted. No more messages currently available._

* * *

End Notes: For those of you who were wondering, that was about four full pages. Was it random enough?

If you liked this, do something and...give...us money...No, just kidding. If you liked this, fav it, if you really like this, follow it, and if you loved this…well, you can't date it, so spread it around in some other way!

I'd say 'chow', but I think I've outgrown using that, so see you in about…three/four weeks, and review on your way out! …Please?


	2. The Original Answering Machine

A/N: -is praised for early update before she's randomly killed- I figured I'd enter a touched-up version of the original that people actually did like. So now that it's edited, I guess that they'll like it even better…right?

Oh well, who cares? Take an early update courtesy of stuff I already had prepared and my impatience, my dear readers!

**Disclaimer**: This Disclaimer has earned me an extra line of writing on the FFN website. So I don't own anything except the ideas. No, I don't even own the extra line of writing on the FFN website because it belongs to FFN.

* * *

_Welcome _Master Hand_. You have _thirty-nine _unplayed messages. Playing message one:_

Master Hand sighed. He had only expected thirteen…

(beep)

Hi Master Hand, it's Nana! Popo and I are making card houses with Yoshi, Ness, and Lucas! You can come over if you want to play with us, you know! Bye!

(beep)

It's-a Mister Awesome—

"WAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Er, Wario. Listen, you know those plates that were in the cabinet that had the sign that said 'Delicate: Do not touch'? They were okay to use, right? Right? *umbrella skull bash*

"Hi Master Hand, it's Peach. Don't worry; I've got everything under control!"

(beep)

Listen Master Hand…it's me, Meta Knight…you know the three o'clock parade? …Kirby wants to see it…so I'll…be taking him…Could you tell me…what time it starts? Thanks…

(beep)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It WORKED! It actually, really WORKED! Oh hey Master Hand, it's Luigi here. Mewtwo and Meta Knight and me were working on a group project and I got it to work! Of course, it has a few glitches in it, but other than that it's perfect! We just need one or two more test subjects to add to our test group. Mewtwo said that just me and MK wouldn't be adequate test subjects. Can you reference anyone to us? Thanks.

(beep)

Excuse me Master Hand, but this is Red. The power just went off a few minutes ago and everyone is wondering what happened. Peach is calling the power company as we speak. Do you know anything?

(beep)

Don't worry Master Hand, I'm solving the problem. Just don't be angry with us; the mistake was completely unexpected!

(beep)

It's Peach again. AAPCO said that they'd had a 'distribution problem' and that the power would be back on once they found out exactly what had happened. Bye.

(beep)

_It's Meta Knight, and I'm taking Kirby to the—AAAIIIIEEEEEEEE!_

"No, it's Jigglypuff, and there's no way I'm letting MK take Kirby to the parade. Sorry to both of you, but I had the feeling Master Hand would've asked me to help…"

_Stop abbreviating my title!_

"I'll be stopping by a few shops, so Kirby and I won't be home 'till late."

_I will not surrender!_

"Oh, and Meta Knight is NOT coming with us. I'll make sure he doesn't follow us; don't worry."

_What—_

"Bye bye, Master Hand!"

(beep)

"It's Luigi. The power should be back on in a few minutes. Mewtwo and his awesome girlfriend—"

_GIRLFRIEND_?!

"Luigi! You swore you wouldn't speak of us like that!"

"Uh, _friend_, Uxie got the machine fixed. They're helping me modify it as we speak."

"_You're_ the only one speaking. And _we're_ doing all the work. You're just talking."

"Um, well, whatever. Bye."

(beep)

This is Skitty Simmy, the super sandwich maker! Could I make a reservation to run my stand at your place for a while? If so, what's your pricing and ground rules? Call me back at 1-749-SSSIMMY, okay? Thank you for your time!

(Master Hand set a record for speed writing right then and there.)

(beep)

Master Hand? I didn't have to do 'cooking duty' back in Hyrule; why do I have to do it here? Either way, I need a vacation. Badly.

(beep)

Master Hand, it's Marth. Where did Kirby go? I need him. He was…um…_thoughtful_ enough to give me my own pile of leaves…right here in my bedroom. How do I get rid of them without hurting his feelings? I need to know. Soon…Could you make it VERY soon? Please, I'm begging you! I don't wanna die by—

(beep)

Greetings, Master Hand, it's Olimar! The majority of my pikmin want to make a leaf pile, but there seem to be none left. Do you know what happened to them?

(beep)

I told you not to do that, DDD…

"Owwwww…whatever. How was I supposed to know that you were right, ROB?"

You idiot.

"Hold on, I need to find my phone."

*shufflingnoisesuntilcutofftime*

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's DDD. That last message? Just delete it. Oh, and when's dinner? I'm STARVED!

(beep)

-Leavin' togeeeeeeeetheeeeeeeeeeer…oh hey Master Hand, it's Jirachi. I know I'm not a smasher, but I AM the legendary pokémon of wish granting. For some reason I can't wish up a TV guide, so could you get me one? I need the schedule for my sci-fi movies tonight. If you listen to me and give me the guide, thanks. If not, well…you don't wanna hear. So long…

(beep)

It's Pikachu here. I'm hiding because I'm not sure how stable the power is right now. If anyone needs me at all, I'm hiding at Ollie's Bargain Outlet in the party isle. And that is NOT the party that you are probably thinking of. Don't tell anyone where I am; I'm not sure if I want to try and power the whole mansion or not.

(beep)

Eh…Master Hand? This is Falco, and I'm stuck in the hallway. It seems that there's an enormous pile of leaves bursting out of someone's room and up to the ceiling. I'd trek through, normally, but there sounds like there might be a few _other_ things in that pile than leaves and sticks.

(beep)

I GOT NO CHILI DOGS! WHERE CAN I FIND SOME?!

(beep)

It's Snake. Samus is gone, so I'm taking advantage of the opportunity. The new passkey to my room is 5J39SE227. Make sure you enter it right on the first time…of course, what business would you have in my room anyway?

(beep)

It's Peach. Now that I'm finished with Wario…*giggle* I'm about to go shopping! Is there anything you need? I'm leaving in an hour.

(beep)

It's Red. I'm going out training, so don't expect us to help you move your paintings now. Before you complain, face the fact that you had all day. We'll be back before ten, but we aren't going to be going anywhere except bed at that time. Just giving you a warning in advance; bye.

(beep)

It's Lucario here. Did you happen to take my chocolate out of the fridge? If you did, fork it over before I brutally murder you.

(beep)

It's Jirachi. Where is my freaking TV guide, Master Hand? I have an hour before I come over there and beat you into a glove myself.

(beep)

"ABAJABAJIBAJABABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !"

(beep)

Hi Master Hand! Have you ever played Bomb It 2?

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Nana again! Me and my brother are getting together a baseball game, but we need more players. Do you wanna play? If not, can you tell someone else so they can play with us? Thank you!

(beep)

*explosionsyellingairhornscryingbabies*

It's the King of Awesome here. That's my new ringtone. Liiiiiiiikeit? I hope nobody does!

(beep)

It's Lucario again. I'm not kidding, I will tear up the Mansion until I find the thief.

(beep)

Master Hand, it's Pichu. Lucario and Toon Link were fighting over some chocolate that Toon Link took. Most of the smashers have managed to get him under control, but there's still some trouble. Please help; he's scary when he's mad!

(beep)

Master Hand, it's Jirachi. My shows should be starting soon.

(beep)

Master Hand. Where is my frickin' TV guide?

(beep)

Master Hand, are you trying to push my buttons? WHERE is the FREAKING TV GUIDE?! When I ASK for something, I'm going to GET IT, DAMN YOU!

(beep)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING MASTER HAND?! I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING USELESS LIKE DRINKING ALL MY COFFEE!"

(Master Hand pushed his cup of coffee to the side of his desk.)

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Fox. Wolf did not _lose_ the key card to his Landmaster exactly. Heh heh heh…

(beep)

Master Hand, you better thank your lucky stars that Ike gave me an extra TV guide. If he hadn't, then you would've been hung up on Peach's clothes line. Next time, you might not be so lucky. Bye…

(beep)

It's Ganondorf. Can you ban nightcore songs in the mansion? If you—AGH!

"Hi Master Hand, it's Nana again! Please disregard everything Ganondork said; he's apparently out of his mind. Bye bye!"

(beep)

Uh, Master Hand? It's Marth…I'm…still sitting here in a corner waiting for help. When will you be getting rid of the…leaves, maybe?

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Luigi. About those power outages messages…they were all fakes, so don't believe them…You believe me calling you and telling you this, right?

_New message added. Playing message 40 _

"What—"

(beep)

"Hello Master Hand? It's Doctor Mario. I need a pay raise."

_End of message_ forty. _End of messages. Press 1 if you want to save these messages. Press 2 to delete single messages. Press 3 to delete—_

_Messages deleted. No more messages currently available._

So much for his hot coffee…

* * *

End Notes: Calling Ganondorf 'Ganondork' is the idea of someone who wrote an extremely long collection of Meta Knight/Jigglypuff stories, but I wish I had thought of it first. And speaking of copyright issues…

Psychic Karate: Thanks, but um…I may make a looooooot of jokes offline about Wario's mom, but…the Wario's mom message on here was actually intended to be a reference to RandomEncountersEnt's (Youtube) hilarious song 'The Wario Rap'. There's a line in the song that says something like 'Take a call from Mom—"Hi Wario! *hearts*", so I figured that I'd stick a Wario's Mom joke in here. But I'm glad you liked the story!

KrazyKat12: Yes, it'll be continued. Otherwise I would've marked it as Complete since I can't stand leaving something like that undone. And you have a 3DS? Awww…wish I had one!

And thanks to everyone who favved, followed, and reviewed! I'm always happy to get any of those, and feedback is always awesome! Thanks again!

Check back in about two weeks for the next chapter, or you could follow this story/me so that you won't miss any early updates!


	3. The Whining Answering Machine

A/N: Well, I guess that was a little more than two or three weeks, eh? Sorry, I'm off at an amusement park having fun, leaving my poor readers to sit and wait for a humorous story to cheer up their days after Memorial Day weekend. XD –stoned- Well, at least my updating rate isn't as slow as it is on one or two of my OTHER stories… XD –killed-

**Disclaimer**: Besides franchises that I obviously don't own, I also don't a theme park. I don't even have a theme _song_…

Enjoy!

* * *

_Welcome_ Master Hand. _You have_ forty-three _new messages. Playing message_ one:

(beep)

Master Hand, don't you ever pick up?

(beep)

Sorry, it's Jigglypuff. I thought we cleared up the 2000 Smash Dollar ticket for the front seat of that Noctowl City concert already…?!

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Samus. Some idiot in this mansion has stolen one of my…more powerful weapons. I need you to order some sort of an interrogation, quick.

(beep)

I'll place a call around the world—operator, get Beijing on board!

(beep)

Dish' ish Crazys Han'. Havs ya sheen Viva Piñahtaos?

(beep)

This is Entei, legendary lion of fire and a couple of volcanoes. You sent me an invitation to cook?

(beep)

Hello Master Hand, this is Skitty Simmy, head of Skitty Simmy's Super Sandwiches. I would like to thank you once again for letting me run my business in your mansion for this season, especially since I'm a one-pokѐmon operation and a small business. Be sure to stop by my stand for a free meal deal!

(beep)

Master Hand, the world has been saved. NightcoreToday just remixed 'Call Me Maybe'!

(beep)

It's-a me, Mario, and I hope your day is pathet—Master Hand? Uh…

(beep)

It's Marth. Master Hand, some prankster hid my hairbrush. I am not coming out of my room until it is in my hand and I've fixed my hair. I mean that.

(beep)

Hey Master Hand? Guess whaaaaat? Your favorite legendary is calling you to ask WHERE MY FRICKING LAUNDRY IS?!

(beep)

Peach calling. My hairbrush is missing for some reason…?

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Ike. At least five people I've run into so far today have lost their hairbrushes, including me. Marth told me to tell you he's still in his room and his phone died, Bowser won't brawl until he gets his back, and Jirachi asked me to ask you where you put her laundry. Why the heck does a pokѐmon need to wear clothes, anyway?

(beep)

This is Snake. I'm assuming that you're going to have me do the Smash Brotherhood 4 signup again this year?

(beep)

MASTER HAND! PIKACHU WAS SLEEPING IN THE LAUNDRY AGAIN!

(beep)

This is Lucario. I took my friend's advice and took a week off to go to that Hot Spring by Old Treasure Town. Just thought I'd let you know…More Pecha lemonade, please.

(beep)

Ring ring ring ring ring BANANA PHONE! Ring ring ring ring ring BANANA PHOOOOOOOOOONE!

(beep)

This is Moe the clam calling in to report for an accident. The teleporter to that secret world Starfy was telling you about somehow got opened and a whole flock of Bellybirds flew out. We got them out of the mansion, but they all roosted on the garage, and…well, you know how heavy just one of those things is. So the garage kinda…imploded. Samus, Peach, and Nana are up on the roof now trying to keep them from landing there. They've requested some spare backup if you have any. Sorry, Master Hand.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Smash Union Bank. We have some unsecured transactions that we thought you might want to 'look over'. Thank you for choosing our services.

(beep)

Doctor—I mean, Master Hand? This is Doctor Mario. I caught that damned respiratory disease that's going around and I'm out sick. You'll have to outsource stuff until I'm feeling well enough to clean up the office from this virus. –coughs- Thanks for caring.

(beep)

This is Diddy. Someone took my furbrush, and no one even knew I had one. Who could've taken it…?

(beep)

These are the ANGRY BIRDS! Could we possibly get a contract to appear in your game sometime?

(beep)

Ganondorf, these are your backup singers Rachael and Renee. The Balbins drank all of our beer kegs dry. Do you want us to buy some more, or wait till later?

(beep)

This is Lucario again. You better not eat my stash of chocolate ice cream like you did the last time. If it's gone this time, I'll know you went looking for it, because I've hidden it. You've been warned.

(beep)

Master Hand! When do you check your answering machine?! I need my wash!

(beep)

Master Hand, help! A horde of carnivorous anteaters is—

(beep)

Owwww…Master Hand, this is King DDD. Could you ban illegal cactuses? Some _pranksters_ stuck one in the back of my robe…A—OWWWWWWWW!

(beep)

This is Cooking Universally and we have called to thank you for supporting our company. Your set of recipe cards should be arriving this Thursday.

(beep)

Hey, Master Hand, are we having chili dogs tonight? I can't stand another frozen burrito…

(beep)

MASTER HAND…this…is Jirachi. Why aren't you slaving to my needs? Give me my laundry, and while you're at it, get someone to dash down to the store and pick me up some robin's egg blue ribbons to accent my normal ones.

(beep)

Ooo! Hey! Is this really Master Hand? The one who runs the tournament? This is Raikou, you know, the legendary of thunder? Did you take me out as an assist trophy so I could play as a normal smasher? I didn't think you would do that after all the times I screwed up! Thanks!

(beep)

Hey, it's Ness. The pet monkey I have doesn't seem to want to get along with some of the other smashers, including Diddy and DK.

(beep)

You know Master Hand, it's kind of insulting to get a pet monkey when SOME of the smashers are primates, also.

(beep)

Master Hand, the next brawl may possibly be canceled. Marth and Bowser are nowhere to be seen, Snake is grumbling about lists and signup sheets, and Diddy Kong is arguing with Ness over the pet monkey. Some BACKUP ASSISSTANCE would be APPRECIATED!

(beep)

_This is Mewtwo. You may find this weird, but my night light blew up. Don't ask any questions. Just go to the store and get me a twenty pack of night light bulbs and two Winnie-the-Pooh night lights, the ones with Tigger holding a pie. Do NOT let word of this get out if you wanna live._

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Jirachi again. I'm still waiting on my laundry and ribbons, so do you mind getting me a Sudoku puzzle while I _wait on your sorry ass?_

(beep)

This is 5th Street Pharmacy. Your requested prescription from Dr. Mario has come in. Please come pick it up within the next 24 hours. Thank you!

(beep)

MASTER HAND! I HAVE TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE TONIGHT! I NEED MY HAIRBRUSH!

(beep)

Come visit the burrito palace, Burreehaw! Lunch buffets for only $24.95!

(beep)

Pikachu here at Skal-mart. Want me to pick up some deodorant?

(beep)

SAVE THE TWINKIES!

(beep)

It's Ness. Sorry about taking your hairbrush without asking, but I didn't think you'd need it. I had to brush out my pet monkey, but he kept hiding the hairbrushes until I was finally done. I borrowed a few other people's hairbrushes, too. Hopefully they don't notice…

(beep)

This is the WRITER'S COLLABORATION! We'd like to renew our contracts so we can continue torturing you all! How does 5.492 billion Smash dollars sound for a full renewal?! RANDOM!

_End of message_ forty-three. _End of—_

_(Beeeeep)_

_Messages deleted. No more messages currently available._

* * *

End Notes: I am very tired. That and I might write another chapter depending on how tired I am.

Please review for me! Please? It would make my day! -shameful begging activated- :''(

Oh, and although I appear to be the only person who cares about the Uxie/Mewtwo pairing, someone thought of it and named it BEFORE I did. And then nobody's written about it yet, and I'm the only person who seems to care about it. -sobs- Poor GeniusPsiShipping...(well, at least it got a got a good name)


	4. The Foody Answering Machine

Master Hand's Answering Machine! …Chapter 4

A/N: Hi guys! Well, I made this one a few messages shorter to try to balance out the numbers (so it seemed random and he wasn't getting 40-42 messages all the time), but I didn't cut the quality. Here y'all go!

By the way, for reasons that elude me, it seems that Ganondorf showed up a little more frequently in this one… -wonders-

**Disclaimer**: What do I own? …Hmmm…that's a gooooooooooooood question nowadays…

And, before we start, **reviewer replies**! (since you know _poor Cos with terrible internet service_ could never hope to PM all of you…)

DoctorProfesorPatricio: Thanks! I feel bad for Pikachu, too…but he seems able to handle it, so I just keep piling on pressure. –piles on pressure-

Pixelized Pikale and Company: -edits- See people, this is why you retype stuff instead of copying-and-pasting it.

PsychicKarate: It's still hilarious? I'm glad. And that joke is not about to die anytime soon…

Icee The Hedgehog: Thankees! And oh—random idea spark! Now I just gotta figure out which chapter to stick it in!

P: Thanks? I didn't get all that, but yay for fellow pokѐmon fan! And awwww, you have a grandparent/elderly family relative? And you could talk to her? I wish I did; my friends do and their grandparents are AWESOME. And they have cookies. –killed-

OneWingedHeron53: Thanks (again). I love how you phrased your review. I just…like it. –unspecific- By the way, (dumb) Cosmos has no idea what a 'noodle incident' is. Enlightenment, please?

SakuraDreamerz: I knew it! I'm not the only weird person who listens to that song! And the backup singers? He needs them for when he sings The Legend of Ganondorf song on YouTube, of course! (you won't regret looking it up) And yes, it shall be continued!

Guest: -points at KrazyKat12- I was actually asked me to do something a little smaller, but like my schoolwork assignments, it had to be bigger than what was originally suggested. That and I didn't want to feel like I was idea stealing…

GallantBlade: Thanks! And you shouldn't have mentioned Ike and Wolf at the same time, because…well, you'll see what happened when my brain started to work on that. And I feel great about having someone other than me who likes using Jirachi in their stories when it's ACTUALLY AWAKE.

Guest: Oh wow, two unnamed guests? This could easily become confusing…well, you'll have to be Guest2, then! Or would it be Guest Two…I don't know. While doing a separate answering machine for Pit would be nearly impossible (due to money, console, and time restrictions preventing me from getting to play any of his games), he does appear in here. Did he already…? (goes back to search) As for the cooking duty message? It was either Link or Zelda. It depends on whether Zelda had blackmailing material. –evil grin- Oh, and I'm glad you like the hairbrushes. –points at other Guest's response- That should explain it.

Oh, and one more thing!

Icee The Hedgehog: You mentioned in your review to the second chapter that the Uxie/Mewtwo pairing sounded new. So far I am the **only person online** to have thought of using it in a story, but I got beaten to naming the shipping. So unfair!

And now that I've used up about 400 words…

* * *

_Welcome _Master Hand_. You have_ thirty-five _new messages. Playing message_ one:

(beep)

It's DK. I have to take a day off to track down King K. Rool. He just stole my gold banana horde. (SONG REFERENCE!)

(beep)

This is Ganondorf. Please, PLEASE take away that cast iron pan from Zelda! It's a dangerous weapon!

(beep)

It's your most favoritest legendary pokѐmon Master Hand! I'm going out to dinner tonight and I needed a date, so I wrote your name down. I know you'll enjoy it, 'cause it's at one of the most expense restaurants in town! Oh, and you only need to bring tip money; I already used money from your bank account to pay for it in advance. See you in a few hours!

(beep)

It's Pikachu. Peach hired me as her unofficial shopper since I spend so much time in town. …Anything you need me to get?

(beep)

Erm, Master Hand? You know my last message about carnivorous anteaters? …Um…Anteaters ARE carnivorous, aren't they?

(beep)

Toon Link here. If I'm Toon Link and then other dimension Link is just called Link, does that mean that there's a Toon Ganondorf, or does he have another name, like Zelda and Tetra?

(beep)

It's Samus. Some people are saying that some of the fight dynamics are kind of redundant. But you know what the mansion says? They unanimously sent a picture with squares on it that says 'REDUNDANCY—Never too much of a good thing!' So I think that's decided.

(beep)

Master Hand, it's Jigglypuff. If you dare tell anyone about that video of me and Pikachu in that closet, you'll wish you had a washing machine and a sewing kit with plenty of patches.

(beep)

Greetings, Master Hand, this is Olimar. I would like to kindly request that you mow the lawn when my pikmin aren't outside playing.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Nana. Ganondorf hired Wolf to steal my signature jacket and make it into a kite. Which one of them should I beat up?

(beep)

It's Wolf. I just heard Nana calling you, and I say she should beat up Ganondorf.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Link. I'm at the Juggling for Idiots class at the library with ROB. Could you tell someone to make sure that Ganon doesn't use my sword as a fruit skewer?

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Snake calling. Do you find it in the least bit disturbing that Pit is using a picture of you for his archery practice?

(beep)

It's Pichu. What's a 'mouse trap'?

(beep)

Try the Baconator and the Son of Baconator. New at Barry's Bar-B-Q. (Disclaimer: Yes, I know Wendy's owns it. But there is no Wendy's in the Smash-verse yet, so deal with it)

(beep)

MASTER HAND, THIS IS THE DARK SIDE CALLING. WE NOW SERVE WAFFLES AND FRUIT ALONG WITH OUR COOKIES.

(beep)

This is Kirby. I've been called by five different legendary pokѐmon today. Do you have any idea how they got my number?

(beep)

Hey Master Hand, it's Skitty Simmy! Thanks for letting my relatives come over for the family reunion! I left some extra sandwiches in the pantry for you. They're in the third cabinet from the back door.

(beep)

Master Hand! A tribe of Skitty has invaded the mansion! Where did they come from?!

(beep)

AAAAAAAAHHH! MASTER HAND! FIRST NESS STOLE MY HAIRBRUSH FOR THAT MONKEY, AND NOW THERE'S A MOB OF PINK AND WHITE CATS THAT TOOK IT! WHO'S NEXT, WOLF?!

(beep)

Wolf here. Could you get me a new hairbrush in time for the next br—AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

(beep)

This is Mewtwo speaking. Is that Whack-a-Mole masquerade party still going on tomorrow? If it is, I'll go as the person with the hammer.

(beep)

It's Nana. I have everything figured out. Ganondorf stole my coat and hired Wolf to make a kite out of it. Wolf was a chicken and asked Ike to take it. Ike was going to use it on his fighting dummy, but I caught him and Wolf before they could get away and got my coat back. Now I'm off to beat up Ganondorf again! Bye Master Hand!

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Lucario. Thanks for the offer, but I would NOT like to be roommates with Marth. Do you even know how much time he spends fixing his hair?

(beep)

Aghhh…Master Hand, this is Doctor Mario. Some fool mixed fake blackberries in Yoshi's smoothie. I have one in my office so that you can see for yourself. They're actually quite real-looking.

(beep)

This is Wolf—

"The IDIOT—"

-Who is calling to ask for a little assistance in getting un-hung off the chandelier in the west quarter main hallway.

"Why did I even buy that—"

Punishing Nana would also be appreciated, as will speed.

(beep)

This is the ANGRY BIRDS! When will we get an answer?

(beep)

It's Starfy. I finally got my moveset all figured out for if I join the game. You see, I—AGH GIANT LAVA SPRAYING TURTLE!

(beep)

Overload, overload, it's a CUTE overload; don't you want to take us home, cute cute cute cute overload—

(beep)

M-m-m-Master Hand? It's Luigi…I got locked down in the cellar without a flashlight or my—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

(beep)

This is your local public library calling. The 295 books, DVDs, CDs, and playaways you requested have arrived. You have four days before they will be returned to circulation. Thank you, and have a nice day.

(beep)

This is the roofing man. I heard you needed a major repair job done. I promise you that my rates are the lowest in town.

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Ness. Can I take the pet monkey to that new amusement park?

(beep)

This is Meta Knight here. Do you have anything for me to do that does NOT require social interaction, especially with idiots like a certain fat penguin?

(beep)

Hey, Master Hand? This is Ike. Do you know how it feels to hang from a chandelier by your underwear for two hours? Yeah, we didn't think so.

(beep)

_End of message _thirty_-_five_. End of messages. Press one to—_

_Beeeeeeeeeeeep_

_Messages deleted. No new messages available._

* * *

End Notes: Hm, it seemed that the telemarketers slowed down today. And…oh my fudge…did it really take poor Meta Knight THIS LONG to appear, especially considering he's one of my fav Kirby characters and that pretty much every smasher has been mentioned? And ROB—I think this was the first time he got mentioned, too! So along with Pit, Ness, and one or two others, it seems that the Mario-verse and the Star Fox world characters are the ones with only one or two messages each…Don't worry! _I_ can _FIX_ IT!

**Can't make any promises as to when it'll be out, but the next chappie will include exploding ketchup bottles and rabid lawnmowers!**

This is about the time when the author says 'Read and Review', but you've obviously read the story, so I guess all I have to do now is beg for you to review. –begs for you to review-


	5. The Irritating Answering Machine

A/N: Wow…Apologies for almost missing an update. I figured that I could update all my stories AND post a oneshot at once and that it would motivate me to not be so lazy about updating. Guess what? It backfired. So I tried it again, and this time I made the longest answering machine to make up for the wait. I think I weaved in…what…maybe four mini-plots in this? Hope it's random enough!

**Disclaimer**: DO NOT OWN! Well, except for the ideas…!

PS: Since Cos's internet is slower than ever, I shall once again post reviewer responses here:

Pixelized: You don't sound rude! And yes, I'm alive! As for the mistypings, I'm sure I'll get some this chapter…

Icee: I heard of the new brawlers, but I haven't been able to get much info on them since I can barely load an FFN page, much less YouTube. And Uxie/Mewtwo… I need a later joke with that…

Psychic Karate: Actually I was thinking of doing a little thing whenever this ends about some of the incidents and how they really got resolved, but you're more than welcome to do something like that yourself, if you want.

Gallant Blade: I put in Sonic one or two times…and I think I might've put Captain Falcon in once, but I can't remember where. Maybe it was one of the anonymous ones where it was really humiliating. XD

P: We share many favorite characters. XDDDDDD

esehT evoL I: Thanks for keeping me on my feet with the backward-ness. Thanks!

OneWingedHeron53: Does clear things up. :) Thanks!

And now…

* * *

_Welcome _Master Hand_. You have_ 49_ unplayed messages. Playing message one_:

(beep)

Master Hand, it's Pit. I can't say who, but somebody wants to buy a pet bull. In case you couldn't tell, I greatly oppose the plan.

(beep)

Ohhhhhh…Master Hand…it's Kirby…make…Jigglypuff…not…make…the terrible…spinach…soufflé…for dinner…Aggghhhhh…

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Lucario. AGAIN. NO, I would NOT like to be roomates with Mario and Luigi, either. No offense to them, but I'm not completely sure that they aren't pyromaniacs, what with the FIRE flowers and all.

(beep)

Oh, and I'm not interested in sharing a room with any of the newbies, either! Don't make me share with anyone! Just—

(beep)

This is Hoovers Unlimited, calling to confirm your purchase. Your products, 4 blue standard D14-2X vacuums and 2 black Super-Sucker 4U-28 will arrive sometime next week. Thank you for supporting our services.

(beep)

As I was saying, just STICK ME OUTSIDE IN A TENT AT THAT POINT!

(beep)

-sobbing- Master Hand! -sniffles- Stop it! My name is BOWSER, not BROWSER! Turn off the spellchecker or something! I'm tired of this! Waaaaaaaaaaahh!

(beep)

Master Hand? It's Pikachu. Why do you need five sets of glittery cupcake punchouts?

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Captain Falcon. DDD is ripping off my FALCON PUNCH! and it's getting annoying! Penguins are nowhere near as awesome as FALCONS!

(beep)

Starfy here. Since it doesn't look like I'm getting in this year either, I hooked up with that nice pokѐmon, Skitty Simmy. I'll be here if you ever need me… -sighs-

(beep)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! MASTER HAND! IT'S DDD! SOME FOOL IS PRANKING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF KETCHUP! THIS IS THE THIRD ROBE I'VE GONE THROUGH TODAY, AND MY CAP IS ON THE BRINK OF D-D-DESTRUCTION! I DEMAND WITH MY KINGLY POWERS THAT YOU RIGHT **PUNISH** WHOEVER IS DOIN' THAT! YOU WANT A NAKED PENGUIN RUNNING AROUND BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF CLOTHES?!

(beep)

It's Pit. SOMEBODY covered my weapons with cooking oil and butter spray. I know you have security cameras in the halls, so…may I?

(beep)

Hee hee hee hee hee…Master Hand, this is Yoshi. Those fatso-s DDD and Wario kept eating all my food stashes, so I used some ketchup and miniature firecrackers that I bought from Mewtwo and Uxie to get my fruity revenge!

(beep)

And yes, tomatoes ARE fruit!

(beep)

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—Oopsie, dialed the wrong number.

(beep)

Wario, I already told you that I'm SO not interested. If it wasn't for the fact that you cause a few good laughs, I'd have already kicked you out of the  
kingdom!

(beep)

Shit! Luigi, you loser! Why'd you turn me on to a game I'm no good at?! Now Ganondorf is calling me an idiot and regular Link won't leave me alone about it!

(beep)

Meta Knight? This is Luigi. Here's the deal. I loan you my monstrous Chain Chomp from one of my karting circuits in exchange for temporary charge of the Halberd. Sound good to you? Oh, and no matter what, don't tell Master Hand. I had to call you quick so that nobody else overheard and—somebody's coming!

(beep)

Valued customer, this is Great Gardens. Our tour is coming to your town next Friday. Be sure to stop by for special deals!

(beep)

It's Yoshi again. The tomato spray is working awesome! Just don't go into the bathroom or by their rooms!

(beep)

Master Hand, this is Jirachi. I have several things for you to do today. One, order me some horror movies and soap operas—new condition, please! Two, ask Peach or Luigi to bake me one of those special pies. Three, UN-RIG THESE STUPID KETCHUP THINGS OR I'LL STRANGLE YOU!

(beep)

Master Hand, this is ROB. I'd like to politely and calmly inform you that THE DAMN LAWNMOWER IS GOING BERSERK AND OLIMAR IS GOING TO BE PISSED.

(beep)

MASTER HAAAAAAAAAND! THIS IS MY LAST ROBE!

(beep)

EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Master Hand! It's frickin' COLD down here! I'm tired of helping you with your idiotic side tasks! Get me and my pokѐmon out of here before we're reducing to burning our way out!

(beep)

Master Hand? This is Olimar. WHO LAST USED THE LAWNMOWER?!

(beep)

This is Hocotate Freight. We'd like to contact Olimar, if at all possible. We may have another assignment for him…

(beep)

New at Game Board Pizza—Chocolate Lava Cakes! Exploding with chocolate!

(beep)

This is Sonic. I'm speeding down to the library with Link and ROB for their juggling class. Need anything immediately? I can definitely get it to you fast enough!

(beep)

Master Hand? This is Peach. Entei got called away, so it would be nice if you could assign a little cooking party to help us.

(beep)

Hey Master Hand. It's Wolf. I was just eavesdrop—I mean, I overheard Peach saying that she needed help in the kitchen. I just wanted to let you know that I can't cook anything to save my life—seriously! I mean it!

(beep)

MASTER HAAAAAAAAAND! THIS IS MY LAST ROBE!

(beep)

Master Hand? It's Starfy again. Simmy wanted to know why you hadn't stopped by for lunch yet. She's a little worried about you.

(beep)

Wa-ha-haaa! Master Hand, why haven't you made me a smasher yet? I mean sure, I haven't appeared in any of the 'mainstream' Mario games, but I'm Waluigi! I'm number 1!

(beep)

This is the ANGRY BIRDS! We would STILL like to know WHEN we will be appearing in your game!

(beep)

Master Hand? It's Ness! You know how Lucario can't find anyone he likes to share a room with anyone? He could share a room with me and Bananas! I'm sure he'd love it!

(beep)

ROB here to report the major damage to the front yard and the lawn mower. The yard has a few ruts in it, and Peach's flowers are ruined, but other than that, nothing's destroyed. I can't say the same for the lawn mower. Its next stop is the electronic waste. Oh, and OLIMAR IS OUT TO DESTROY SOMEBODY FOR HURTING HIS PIKMIN.

(beep)

Master Hand! Who do you think I am?! I'm NOT sharing a room with Samus either!

(beep)

Master Hand? It's Jigglypuff. You mind if I sing tonight? (For anyone who doesn't know: Jigglypuff's singing can put anyone to sleep. ANYONE.)

(beep)

This is your local public library calling to thank you for your recent donations. On a side note, almost all your residents' overdue book fees are through the roof.

(beep)

BOOOOOGH!

(beep)

MASTER HAND! IT'S THE NEW SMASHERS! THANK YOU FOR LETTING US COME! WE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE, WE PROMISE!

(beep)

Master Hand? This is Marth. The mansion wants to know if it would be all right going out for supper to that new place with the lava cakes.

(beep)

Hey Peach, it's Popo. You said you had some spare paint left over?

(beep)

I'LL DESTROY THE WORLD WITH PAPER AIRPLAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!

(beep)

Mewtwo calling. I didn't get my night lights yet. WHERE. ARE. THEY.

(beep)

Nana? It's Master Hand. I swear to drunk that I'm not God, mise-pro!

(beep)

Call 1-800-STEAMER! Stanley Steamer gets your home cleaner!

(beep)

Master Hand? It's Doctor Mario. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like another pay raise.

(beep)

_End of message_ 49. _End of messages. –_

Beeeeeeep.

_Messages deleted. No new messages available._

* * *

End Notes: Poor, poor, Starfy. His American debut didn't do so well, even though he's made purely by the same company as Mario. Even after Wario appearing in his third game. Even after Starfy being able to appear in almost every world in Super Princess Peach. I guess saying his name would have been better, but…seriously, Nintendo, you're wasting a good franchise. Get some marketing stuff for him out there. Bring his earlier games to America. Do something. Just don't let it die.

In case you were wondering, the game Toon Link was having trouble with was Mahjong Titans. Seems he'd have enough puzzle practice, though.


End file.
